Today, I began in earnest to clean out my room to prepare for my move to California. On Friday, people from the moving company will be coming to box up my things, and on Sunday I will be flying out. There is quite a bit of stuff in my room that has collected over the years and so it takes a while to sort out things I want to keep from things that are simply going to be thrown away for lack of a place to store them.



In going through my things, I came upon a box that I mailed to myself from Rose during my freshman year. I knew what was in this box, and had been avoiding it. This box had only been opened once since I mailed it to myself, and that was to get something out that someone else wanted. At the time, I had hoped to never open it again. This box, of course, contained everything at all relating to Sarah (the first one). Most of what was inside was stuff that seemed sentimental at the time: notes, pictures, the occasional ticket stub. I tossed everything except for a few pictures that I kept for posterity.



Going through this box, however, made me realize something that I had known in the back of my mind, but had never really put together. Of the women that I have been seriously involved with in my life, all of them seem to have cheated on me (except Terra, but that situation was...complicated) (EDIT: apparently I was incorrect in my judgment on this only 2 of 3/4). I am not saying this to stir up any trouble amongst those with whom I have been involved; I am more saying it because perhaps at this point I should wonder if the failures in these relationships were not my own. Although possible, it seems unlikely that this situation is only coincidence.



I have not thought all of this through, so I'm going to try to do it now on this page. Feel free to nod off or TL;DR the rest of this post.



I started dating the first Sarah near the end of my senior year of highschool. I would say that I was more than a little attached to her; I even believed that I loved her. Perhaps I did, anymore it's hard to say. She was bright, pretty and had just enough of a sarcastic edge to interest me. Unfortunately, she was also from a very different background and her Christianity was very important to her. My own disbelief in religion became a serious stumbling block, but I tried not to be too harsh. It is important to remember that I was a much less angry person back then than I have become since that time. Regardless, we dated for perhaps 3.5 or 4 months, maybe a bit longer. It seemed like forever, though, as we spent almost every evening together and worked at the same place. Unfortunately, I believe that this constant companionship likely led to our end. Within months of the beginning of our freshman year (Some time in September to be precise), it ended.



Throughout this relationship, I had difficulty with my mother as she didn't like Sarah for some reason. Perhaps she just didn't like me spending all my time with her. Regardless, this relationship taught be to tell my parents nothing about my dating life (less "drama" that way). It also is at least partially responsible for my becoming a more angry person. I am not trying to blame Sarah at all. I took the end of this relationship very poorly and became bitter. Nearly all of that bitterness is gone now, but such things change a person if they aren't paying enough attention. If I'm angry, so what?



So, I sulked around for a while. Eventually, I did find another girlfriend. I believe Dess was a junior at the time. She and I date for several months, but neither of us really connected with the other. At the same time though, neither of us really wanted to be alone. Thus, the relationship dragged on for months. This relationship, however, ended well and I was more sad to be alone than sad to have lost Odessa.



My relationship with Odessa is one that I think about least, but probably did some of the most to change me. She challenged my conservatism and ultimately is probably responsible for making me change from the simple-minded, Fox News-watching conservative that I was in my youth to the more utilitarian liberal that I am now. I also learned from this relationship that I need to be willing to end a relationship. Unfortunately, this is something that I have yet to get right.



During the summer after my freshman year, I became involved with a Terre Haute local named Terra. Our relationship, such as it was, was complicated. She was a great girl, who I often think back to longingly. I hope that she is doing well, I have not heard from her in far too long. Unfortunately, I was young and stupid and thought that I could "do better" or some such nonsense and thus never really took the idea of being involved with her as seriously as I perhaps should have. I hope that I did bring her a few fleeting moments of happiness during a time of difficulty, rather than making it harder for her. I do not regret that she and I did not become more, but neither am I particularly happy about it.



Its hard to say what I learned from my relationship with Terra. Perhaps it was simply, "people won't keep putting up with your bullshit."



Finally, there is but one woman left--Imani, the second Sarah. I met Imani my freshman year. She was an aquaintence of Hillary, who was a friend of Rob, all of whom were in my Mage game. She and I didn't become involved until I was a sophomore. She and I began dating rather close to the beginning of my sophmore year. Sometime near the end of the year, I realized that, despite having dated her for much of the school year, I was not becoming more attached to her. There was not a particularly good reason, I simply didn't feel toward her the way I had felt before. And thus we broke up...the first time. We got back together and broke up various times before I graduated. I don't know why exactly I kept getting back together with her, though I believe it has something to do with rather being with someone than with no one. There is probably also something to do with the fact that she essentially lived in my room and was friends with all of my friends. There is quite a bit that I could say about my relationship with Imani, but I don't feel like writing three years of my life down in one sitting.



My relationship with Imani ended at the same time as my time at Rose. Now, I get to move to the other end of the country and begin the search for love again. I think it will help to not have any attachments or baggage this time. Who knows, perhaps I will finally find a counterpart...







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